lost

preface: this is a short story i wrote. enjoy

He felt lost. He hadn’t known what to do for some time now. Everything he tried seemed pointless. He kept going on though. He knew giving up wasn’t an option. He had to work, eat, and go to school. That’s just what people did. The inescapable cycle. Work hard, go to school, get educated, get a job, make money, start a family, make a difference. That’s what everyone has to do right? Or is there another option?
He had no real family anymore. His parents only looked at him with disappointment and mouths full of condemnation and sermons. His grandparents still loved him but he was no longer the adorable grandson. His siblings still looked up at him in awe and admiration but it was more out of infamy now. Nothing had been the same since he’d gone to jail.
Boy had that ever been a changing point. But where had things really started changing? High school? Earlier? It probably started with fighting with his father. They never got along. Dad was right he was wrong. “You don’t work you don’t eat.”
Sports, books, games seemed to be the only escape from reality during that period, maybe they still were the answer. When he finally planned the ultimate escape, boy that was a shocker. “I move out in a week.” The look on his father’s face had been one of utter shock. That brought things into perspective for dad and he backed way down in order to convince his son to stay at home without anymore iron fist rules.
Then there had been the girl. She was something new. He’d never been close to anyone and didn’t plan on it. She was just part of what people did, had relationships. Of course time turns normal relationships into serious ones and that ended up happening. Those had been two amazing years. To bad they didn’t end up lasting.
Somewhere in there he bought his first hov, a transport class with plenty of storage for working equipment or moving space. He paid for it with all of his own money too. His dad constantly reminded him that that was what he had done at his age so that would be how he would do it too. Boy he had been proud of that vehicle. All his friends got theirs way before he did but of course their parents had bought them, they didn’t work their asses off for them. He had to earn everything he needed and anything he wanted.
After high school and his moving out threat, he bided time before finding a college to go to. He wasn’t to worried about it though and didn’t apply to any schools until much later than he should have. He wanted to go off planet very badly, he couldn’t stand his dad any more. A few weeks later he found out he got in to Serenity University in the gateway cluster on a full ride. Now his dad wouldn’t have any hold on him at all. He had been working and saving money since he was ten or earlier and now he had a shcolarship so his dad wasn’t a factor anymore.
After he finally got off planet he found decent enough side jobs to pay the rent and such but independence was a costly luxury. A few years of school went by and then he crashed his hov and shattered both shoulders. His health insurance covered the bio implant replacements but his transportation was gone. Lucky he lived next to the school or he would have been without alternatives.
He broke up with his high school sweetheart soon after, they had been arguing for a long while now. Mostly about trust issues or the use of alterers. Her brother had been a big time distributor and had the feds after him and shit. His former affection faded and he ended it. No point in lying. Lying was something he always detested. He didn’t associate with liars. Honesty, responsibility, hard work, and decent ethics were high on his list.
Although he broke off the relationship he found it extremely painful to lose that two year companion. Drinking started in full force that winter. Alcoholism soon set in. It seemed like the answer at the time. Drink the night away, fuck a bitch, do it again. Fuck relationships. Was this the way? Had he found his purpose? Guess not because that’s when he got arrested. So much for finding the way. A big party with bitches booze and lots of noise. Straight to the slammer. Underage drinking was not tolerated in the gateway cluster. Had to be at least 22. He was nineteen at the time. His family soon disowned him in every way but the actual technicality.
Here he was in trouble with the law, no hov, no girl to love, no family, questionable solidity of his full ride due to too much drinking, where did he go from here? That elusive question always came back to haunt him when his previous solution turned out to be a falsehood. Why was he here? What was he supposed to do? He figured one day he would change the world somehow but that day wasn’t now so what was the point?
He celebrated getting bailed out of jail by his friends by getting a fake id, joining a gang, and drinking more heavily. He was the top party boy. He drank the most, got the most bitches, threw the best parties, he was the party god. He survived this way because he was smart enough to keep his grades afloat and function hung-over at work without to much danger of getting fired. The money was dwindling though, especially when you went through 30 beers in a night (at least).
At that point he was twenty and sick of the campus security raiding the dorms in search of those “harmful underage drinkers” who were “destroying society” everywhere in the galaxy. He moved closer to the heart of the city into a large 4 bedroom condo, not fancy but spacious and cheap enough. He had roommates who had been good friends since freshman year. They were all experimental and held the law in very low esteem. Fuck the police. He wasn’t big on leaf but all his roommates were big leaf heads. The condo was never haze free.
Then Ian showed up. One of those guys who made you feel like he really could relate to whatever you had to say and always listened regardless of how boring you sounded. He had roomed with Big Bill, one of the other 3 roommates, freshman year and was in between residences and ended up on their couch for an indefinite period. He was of ethnic descent, olive skinned with Arabic features, but with enough lack of distinction that allowed him to manage to pass as nearly anything. Although he was technically imposing it wasn’t like that. His presence was always welcome and they wouldn’t have had it any other way. Jokingly he was called “couch guy”, one of those drifter types.
Anyway it was Ian who introduced them to the world of more exotic alterers. He was a fairly resourceful distributor and fit right in with the “open” minds of the group. He showed them the melted world of fungi, the orgasmic realm of happy skittles and a whole new realm of people that operated on a different plane of society.
Although he still felt very lost, Ian cleared some of the fog to open new paths. Those months were eye opening to say the least. He looked at everyone in a new light. Where he would had previously said “fuck off” he now gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and tried to always see the best in anyone. Alcohol lost its grip on his soul and the pain of lost love faded. He came to terms with the fact that love was probably something he would never have again and he was fine with that. However, he had no idea how many colorful people were going to begin to populate his circles.
One night at the condo while Ian was busy “distributing” with motley types of all shapes and sizes a fair sized group begin to accidently gather at the condo happy. All the elements for a party were in place: people, alterers, and a distributor. How could you not have a party? This unplanned event seemed small and inconsequential at the time. Just another page in the story of his life for him. Some goofy types, Ian, some lesbians (very attractive though), a beautiful exotic looking girl, a black kid, and Big Bill. As the hours of mind-“altering” fun ensued and everyone’s’ eyesight began to lapse out of control with color and pleasure he couldn’t stop staring at the exotic, olive skinned girl. Her hair kept covering one eye and she would look up and meet his gaze with the other in a shy way that exuded sexuality. Basically a master of the “Fuck me eyes”. They ended up together that night in a situation that both of them had been in a million times before but something was different. The morning after turned into “The two days after” because she didn’t leave and he didn’t want her to. Something was happening but neither one expected anything consequential.
As this relationship grew over the next few weeks he kept looking for a new hov and a way to pay for it. Providence came along in an unexpected turn of events when Ian announced he was going out of the gateway cluster to a new university. This was somber news because nobody wanted to lose the “couch guy” who had grown so dear to all of their hearts with his constant friendship and freely given cancer sticks (he offered one at least every ten minutes, and all the roommates stopped buying any for themselves). Due to his leaving he offered him the chance to take over his “distributing” position since it would be a shame to waste all of the contacts he had made over the recent years.
Although it was a dangerous venture he accepted with much more desperation than caution. His “training for the new part time job opportunity began and Ian imparted as much of his skills as he could but most of them would have to be gotten by experience. He began to take over the reigns and soon enough his income was steadily supplemented. Ian soon left, much to the chagrin of all, but always remained in close contact with them.
He grew closer and closer to the exotic girl until an important but scary point in any relationship began to draw close. At this point he had a dangerous but steady income, someone he was seriously pursuing, an education still being received on the backside, his gang (interest there was lagging however with the colorful new world and options he had to explore), but still no solid direction or a hov.
He eventually managed to save enough for a sporty new hov cycle and was mobile again for the first time in nearly a year. This brightened his lost spirits immensely but his main questions remained: how serious was this relationship becoming? Could he find happiness with someone again? And perhaps how was he going to make an impact on the world.
None of these things were made clear until one monumental night. The newest alterer on the streets was something called burst and it was supposed to be the most spiritual experience possible. The girl surprised him and got a dose for both of them and they planned a night of it.
It was the most mind blowing thing he had ever experienced or ever would. It shattered his mind apart then left him to piece it back together with whatever pieces were actually important. His saw his life as merely a spiral of pointless actions that needed to be anchored by some purpose or reference point. His friend Denim described it this way, “it is only after you lose everything that you are free to do anything.” He realized that alterers, alcohol, one night stands, media, were all ultimately pointless. Ultimately everyone has to have a purpose or their life means nothing. He looked into her eyes that night and without any more doubt, said the three words he had only said once before and he truly meant them. She looked back and said them with the most pure sincerity. He realized that what he had been looking for was love and without it nobody has a meaning, they are all lost. Everyone is searching until they find it. All actions hinge off of that quest. When it is finally achieved then you are free to do amazing things and change the world. It is only after you lose yourself fully by completely offering yourself to someone else that you are free to do anything at all. He looked at her face which was a myriad swirl of rainbow colors brightly flashing red, gold, purple, green, blue, and he knew he had found the way.